Reflections
by Creator of Hybrids
Summary: After sneaking out of the lair for some fresh air, Raphael finds himself thinking about himself and where his life is going. *centered around the upcoming 2014 movie*


New York City. A breeding ground for crime and vermin. It didn't matter how many crooks you arrested, how much you cleaned the streets of trash, how often you got rid of the drugs that flowed through the underground. You could give the entire city makeover and add a few nice buildings here and there to distract the ignorant. Yet no matter what, it was a dark and dangerous city.

And it was his home. It was all he had ever known, really. Though, most of that time was spent underground, in the disgusting sewers. It was rare that he and his brothers ever got to venture to the surface. Ever more rare for a single one of them to go topside on their own. _This_ was one of those moments. And it was safe to say that he snuck out on his own.

His father was going to kill him when he got back home. But you know what? Raphael could care less. He needed his space. He _needed_ to get out of the sewers and into the open air. He always got antsy when he was kept cooped up for too long. That restlessness turned into anger. And that anger was directed towards his family. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing that he lashed out at his brothers. Sometimes they could be a bit… annoying, when they were restless as well.

Michelangelo with his video games and rocket skateboard. Donatello with all his geeky toys and machines. And Leonardo for just… being Leonardo! They all had their little quirks and each one of them drove him mad when they got in his space- his _personal_ space- about it. Dammit, don't they know what privacy is? Do they see _him_ getting in _their_ faces about what's on his mind? No! So what gave them the right to do that to him?!

His sensei has told him time and time again to keep his anger in check. To channel it through a different means rather than violence. Kind of hard to do that when you're being trained as a ninja. Kind of hard to do that when the world is already against you. As much as Raphael loved his sensei, his father, it was hard to understand words that couldn't reach his heart. And so continued the destructive cycle that they were all a part of.

Raphael jumped over another gap between the buildings and performed a somersault roll to his feet. He didn't even pause for a break, paying no heed to his labored breathing as started running again, putting as much distance as he could between him and his family. He sprinted his way across the building roof, reaching the edge within a minute and leaping off the ledge once again. A never ending cycle of run, jump, and land. Kind of just like the one back home…

Distracted, Raphael jumped off from the next building a bit too late and lost balance. With a short yelp of surprise, he damn near crashed into the next building's side and just barely managed to grab hold of the ledge. His right knee caught the brunt of his impact, making a small dent into the concrete like material and making him bare his teeth. With little effort, he pulled himself up and finally allowed himself rest. He steadied himself, taking slow breaths to regulate his heavy panting. Once he was calmer, Raphael walked towards the edge of the building facing the city streets. Close enough to see what was down below, but not close enough for the humans to see him. Its bad enough he snuck out again. He didn't need 'being spotted' added to the list.

If he was to describe himself, "freak" would be the first word he'd say. Then he would call himself a mutant ninja turtle. While they could walking around nude, seeing as how their plastron and shells covered them up fine enough, their sensei made them were _some_ sort of clothing. They all wore masks, each being a different color, but they wore different apparel. For Raphael, he wore a red mask that covered up most of his head with partially broken sunglasses at the top, a leather strap going diagonally over his chest, a mixed matched tattered clothing around his waist to make a crude skirt of sorts. And as requested of his sensei, he also wore elbow and knee padding. Though under the knee padding and along his lower legs were discards wraps that he threw on.

As the traits they all shared, they each had three fingers and two toes. Much like the turtles they were, they had round heads and shells on their backs. In physical appearance, he was much larger than his brothers. More stronger. He was also darker in color than the rest of them and held tougher skin in certain areas. At first glance, he was a brute. In terms of personality, he tended to act as one too. Angry almost always, straight up rude, blatant about how he feels of other people's opinions. But all he wanted was to feel like he belonged. Something he felt all his brothers wanted and yet… they seemed so much more content with their current lives.

With an irritated sigh, he walked away and started his journey home. May as well face his punishment and get it over with. It'll only get worse the longer he stayed out. Hopefully he didn't have to clean up after any of Donnie's… _failures_ again. The last time that happened, it nearly took an entire week to clean up all that sludge. And given how they don't exactly have anything else to do but train and stuff, a week was rather fast. Raphael involuntarily shuddered at the thought of cleaning that crud up again. He quickened his pace.

A few blocks later, the large turtle started to slow again, second guessing himself. Why should he even return home? The only thing that would happen was the same damn thing he had been doing all his life! Wake up, eat, train, chores, train, eat, freetime, and sleep. That's all he had ever done and, if he didn't know any better, that's what he'd probably be doing for the rest of his life. How could anyone live with themselves knowing that?

Oh sure, his brothers at least somewhat productive with themselves during their personal time. Don with his machines and fancy gizmos. Mikey with his hidden art stash and knowledge on the most ridiculous. Leo with his studies and desire to be the perfect son. Damn Leo and the rest of his brothers. Just what did Raphael have? What did he have that made him happy?

He slowed to a stop, realization dawning on his face. What did he have? He- he had fighting! But that was something he and his brothers all did. He loved to work on vehicles and motorcycles! But Don always had to help with getting certain parts that Raphael would never be able to scour out on his own whenever they did their routinely scavenger hunts. He had…. He had…

The large turtle collapsed to his knees and just stared at the ground with a blank expression. What did he have? Aside from his family and training. What did he have, that defined him as a person. His anger? No, it couldn't be just that. His brute strength? Master Splinter always told them that there were different kinds of strengths, not just physical alone. Which left him with… nothing. Nothing but his family. No real reason to live. To fight. What did he have that gave purpose?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Raphael wasn't sure how long he sat there but the moment he heard the shrill scream, he was on his feet in seconds. It didn't take long for his to find the source. Hell, it barely took him a second to jump across two buildings and silently make his way into an alley, keeping to the shadows. He could barely restrain himself from groaning in annoyance. As it was and always has been, there was some helpless blonde woman being mugged by two dirtbags looking for a quick buck. And possibly something a little more… disgusting. Geez, could it kill these idiots to be a little more original nowadays?

There was too much light for him to make a move, ruling out the option to just go ahead and pound these idiots' heads in. He had to play this smart. Think! What would Leo do? A second after the thought crossed Raphael's mind, he slapped his hand to his forehead. Unfortunately, the slap echoed loud enough through the alleyway to catch the attention of the dirtbags. Huh, talk about convenience.

One of the thugs traversed deeper into the alleyway to investigate the origin of the noise. Raphael kept to the shadows, remaining invisible to his unsuspecting quarry. It didn't take long for the dirtbag to walk right up to him. And, like a snake, he struck out and grabbed the human. The only noise made came from the human as Raphael knocked him out. Enough to strike fear into the other dirtbag. The remaining thug held on to the blonde on the arm, shaking just enough for the turtle to see from his place in the shadows.

It really didn't take much effort to heave the limp body of the first thug over at the feet of the other humans. But it definitely took a bit to not laugh as the other dirtbag ran for his life, pushing the blonde woman down. Said blonde woman and former victim picked herself back to her feet and brushed herself off, muttering curses under her breath. Raphael turned to leave when an idea popped into his head. This is the first time he was able to get this close to a human.

"You al'ight?" He asked in his gruff voice with a mild Brooklyn accent.

The blonde woman's head snapped up and looked towards the dark, where he resided. There was a passing moment of fear across her face before it was soon replaced by annoyance.

"You could've at least help me up while you were playing hero." She snapped at him. It made him bristle in anger.

"Oh I'm sorry." He feigned offence. "I didn't know I was suppose ta help ya up. Seein' as how ya seem perfectly fine." His fists clenched. "Ya could at least thank me fer savin' ya from dohse creeps."

Of course, given how quickly his anger had sparked up, Raphael didn't feel like waiting around to hear it. He just wanted to go home.

"Thank you."

Raphael stopped in his tracks glanced over the rim of his shell at the blonde. There was a sincere look on her face.

"Its what I do." He said in return before taking to the rooftops.

As he reached the ledge, he couldn't help but look back down at the human woman. The moment he did, the curves of his mouth dropped into a frown. Great, he saves someone from getting robbed and they go and pickpocket the unconscious guy. Why was he not surprised. With a roll of his eyes, the turtle took off.

While he ran, Raphael couldn't help but think of the flicker of warmth that came to his chest when the woman thanked him. It felt… nice. As if he was really appreciated. Accepted. Granted, the woman also went and robbed the guy trying to rob her, but still. It was a nice feeling.

A thought came to mind then and it brought a faint smile to his mouth. Maybe his reason in life could be to fight _for_ people. Help the weak against the strong. Protect the good people of the city from the dirt that plagued it. Be the hero that came from the shadows.

Raphael scoffed. He sounded like Mikey and Leo. What good would helping people for free get him? They'd just turn out and treat his brothers like trash the moment they laid eyes upon them. Playing the hero wouldn't help him and his brothers with fitting into a world that was already against him. He launched himself of a rather wide gap between the buildings and rolled to the other edge the moment he hit the ground.

Would playing vigilante give him a purpose in life though? Something to live for? Raphael thought back to the faint warm feeling from before and sighed. He was conflicted and he didn't like it. It made him mad. Why couldn't things just be as easy and his brothers made it out to be? He took off into a sprint again, rushing to get back home. Too much thinking for one night. He needed to sleep on it all and hopefully forget it in the morning.

Provided his sensei would let him sleep tonight.


End file.
